I wonder how many people actually managed to labour through the whole thing. When I posted yesterday, i was exhausted and rambling, such that i didn't bother checking the length. Didn't realise that it really was very long.
I was sad yesterday because of the conflict I felt inside myself, to choose between friend and responsibility.
This morning, i woke up for The TNP Big Walk. It was too early to be thinking, but once I was alone on the bus, I thought back to last night and I was enraged.
This is the letter I sent to someone today:
Hey ______
..thanks for the email..once I un-lazy myself, I'll write a similar one. haha
but yeah, something about yesterday's result.
Yesterday, i wasn't exactly unhappy with the result.
I was unhappy with myself for being in the position where i had to choose between my loyalty to a friend I brought into hotline (A), and the person I thought was a great choice for the position itself (B). I guess I finally decided to put Bin because I felt it was my responsibility to ensure that our CCA ends up with a good training manager so that training doesn't get shot down at every single AGM.
Do I regret putting B in? No.
Was I unhappy with the result yesterday? No.
Was the position undeserved? YES.
Was the position earned? NO.
Was the result fair? who knows?
I was numb yesterday, not because of the result, but because of the situation i was in with regards to pitting a friend against another, and putting myself in a position where public opinion might crucify me for setting up competition against the popular and supposedly deserving candidate.
But this morning I woke up, and i was enraged.
I took a position where I promised I would defend B. I would put B in the best possible light, without making any attacks or assumptions on A's performance on that day. I am happy that I never made direct comparisons. I said B was good. B had good communication skills. B is eloquent. B is committed. I never said B was more eloquent, a better communicator, a better person, a more committed person than A was. (someone else) did. This will remain the reason I will never support (someone else) in that person's decisions anymore. That person chose to defend Aby putting B down. That, my friend, is not the way integrity works. I was very very very fkingly tempted to say "A has not proven himself. If he had, he would not have to be here up for nomination for the 5th time, having failed to garner support in previous positions nominated." Even during his Q&A session, I asked questions - LEADING questions - just to get him to defend himself. If he had said just one thing in favour of himself as a training manager in this position, I WOULD HAVE HANDED OVER GLADLY. I was desperately looking for some justification of his election other than "he deserves to be in the main committee, regardless of the position". But even after winning that position, you could see A didn't want it, even if you were blind.
HE DID NOT WANT IT; WHY SHOULD HE HAVE IT THEN?
I have almost completely lost confidence in all who were present - that includes our main comm, but that is irrelevant. Other than the two other votes (or was it 3, i wasn't looking) that supported St and I, don't mind me saying, but everyone else put friendship and "he deserves to have a title to his name because he is committed" above all, there was little or no consideration for the requirements of the role itself.
What is my main gripe here?
Will A be any less of a worker if he is not given a title in the committee? I doubt so.
I'd rather they create an honorary position for A if they are so keen on putting A in the main committee.
Because people have sacrificed a great candidate for the sake of someone who is good, but not good for this position.
What was the reason i was chosen last year? sheer convenience? real confidence in my ability?
I wouldn't know. i don't even know if i would've been an even average candidate for training. But all I have come to realise is that this position takes more than a reticent (read: Strong and silent) type to take over.
I will not forsake A and leave him in the lurch. What I've learnt this past year, I will definitely use to guide him along, provide him with insights or whatever. Make no mistake about that. Something went wrong at the AGM, positions were reshuffled really badly, and it is not A's fault that eventually he had to run for this position.
On the flipside, I will view the 17th MC's decisions very critically. As and when I decide to ever criticise any decisions of theirs, it will be polite, but it will never look nice. I doubt I can ever look at their decisions and be able to not think "hmm, are they doing this for Hotline, or are they doing this for the benefit of THEM?"
You may think this is incredibly childish/weird of me to be griping so much about this, but the more I think about it, the more wrong it becomes. I will not say this is a complete mistake, because everyone takes time to learn. But there is an element of wrong in there that I cannot let go off. I hope you'll still be able to steer their future decisions regarding everything they approach you for in the right direction, because I have a strange feeling that they will have very deviant ideas. It's a personal bias, yes. But it is also a big danger.
I hope things turn out fine.
-signoff-
Anyone who reads my blog prior to these elections probably thing I don't like the MC, don't like the CCA, don't like working for the CCA etc, but those were gripes I put online. The commitment I have to this CCA is rivalled only by Rag. The responsibility I have developed to this CCA cannot be compared to any other CCA I've had.
You may think I'm being anal about the whole matter, and to let the matter rest. I will. Eventually.
Just not now.
Just not till I can reconcile myself with the decision others have made.
And to forgive the C for shuffling procedures such that I was forced to make that decision.
Time.
